Leaders, Your Team Feels You Before They Hear You

There’s something I keep seeing in my coaching practice:

Your presence matters more than your performance. People don’t respond to your expertise. They respond to how safe or tense they feel around you. And that has everything to do with how you manage yourself. Especially under pressure.

Also I consider this the prerequisite for relational intelligence. It means how you show up emotionally. And it’s the part of leadership that is rarely taught.

What is relational intelligence?

Relational intelligence, a term popularized by organizational psychologist Dr. Adam C. Bandelli, is the ability to successfully connect with people and build strong, long-lasting relationships. It’s not the same as emotional intelligence. It’s more applied, more contextual, and deeply tied to how others experience you.

For me, as a coach, relational intelligence means this: Can you stay connected to yourself and others when things get more difficult?

It’s what lets you:

• Stay calm when people push back

• Listen when you want to fix

• Be honest without being harsh

• Hold space without going cold

It’s not about being emotional. It’s about being emotionally available. So people can think clearly around you, speak openly, and trust that you’ll stay steady even if the conversation is uncomfortable.

And yes, people can feel the difference. Whether they name it or not, your team picks up on your nervous system all the time.

Why your nervous system matters

You’ve probably had this experience: Someone enters a room and says all the right things but something feels off. You can’t quite explain it, but your body tenses. You don’t fully trust the person.

That’s because we all scan for emotional safety. Automatically. It’s biology.

So even if your message is smart and your intentions are good, if your energy is rushed, guarded, or on edge, people will feel it. They’ll hesitate. Shut down. Hold back.

This is what I mean when I say: Your nervous system leads the room before your words do.

What I see in coaching

I work with leaders who care. They want to do good work, treat people well, and stay true to themselves. But they’ve been taught to focus on outcomes, not on emotional impact.

In coaching we talk about team dynamics, conflict, feedback, but what often shifts everything is when I ask: “What’s going on in you when you lead?”

Once we slow down, leaders start to notice:

• how much they hold their breath

• how they rush through silence

• how they avoid their own emotions to “protect” others

  
  

When leaders learn to be more attuned with their inner world and energy, they then realize how their tone softens. That people open up and that communication gets easier.

Practical ways to lead with relational intelligence

Here are few ideas on how to strengthen your relational intelligence:

Start here:

1. Check in with yourself before you speak.

What state am I in? Can I actually be present right now?

2. Name the tension (yours or theirs).

You don’t have to go deep. A simple, “This topic feels tricky,” or “I notice some hesitation,” opens space.

3. Slow your pace. Especially when things are intense.

When you slow down, others can too. Your nervous system sets the tempo. If you rush, others brace.

4. Ask: How do people feel after being with me?

Did I create connection? Clarity? Relief? Pressure? Discomfort ? That’s your real leadership impact.